A Tale of Sarawak.

(The following monologue recited by Miss Burgin in "Kuching Calling ! ")

(To be spoken in the style of Stanley Holloway.)

You've heard tell of that place call Sarawak,

It's a good place when all's said and done,

It's noted for sago and rubber

And all kinds of clean honest fun.

Well, Mister and Airs. Ramsbottom,

With young Albert, their son,

the young rip Got tired of going to Blackpool,

So they, went to Sarawak‑just for trip.

They thought it 'ud be fine to go cruising,

And at the East to have just a look,

So at Kuching one day they all landed

Per the world‑famous ship, Vyner Brooke.

They said good‑bye to the Captain,

"I'll see you" said Captain "at Club,"

"Right y'are" shouted Mr. Ramsbottom

Then they went off to look for a pub.

Well, after some grub at the Rest House,

Course they'd beer and some whisky and pahits,

Mother said that she'd like to do something

So Father said "Let's go and see sights.

" They looked at t'Government Offices,

Mother murmured "They work there,

oh for !" Father said "I don't know if they work there,

But they're there from eighty‑thirty to four.

" Then mother pointed over to Kubu,

And said "That is the Palace, well! well !"

"Don't be daft ! " said Father sort of cross‑like,

That’s where the coppers do dwell."

They examined the imposing buildings

Devoted to commerce and trade;

You know, them towering structures

That for B.C.L. and Sime Darby were made.

They didn't think much of Padungan

And Father said "Ee I'm bored stiff"

And Mother said "Ali, let's be going,

Them septic tanks certainly niff."

So seeking some further lament

They went into the jungle so wild,

That is Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom

And dear little Albert, their child.

Well, in midst of t'jungle were river,

So dark‑like and dirty and dank,

And Albert, the brave little feller,

Started playing about on t'bank.

"Look out ! He's best suit on!" cried Mother,

But too late, with a horrible splash

Little Albert fell plonk ! into river

And Father said, "Bother and dash."

Albert's head it came up like a Mermaid's A

And his parents they dashed to the place,

“jump up" said Father but Albert

Said "I can't, I'm standing on Crocodile's‑face.

" where was a real predicament,

And none of the trio could laugh

For if the poor little lad took his feet' up

T ’crocodile'd bite him in half.

“Hurry up and do something about it

I’m tired" the little lad said,

Father said, "Come on Mother, keep

crocodile's mouth shut."

they too jumped on t'huge monster's head.

The monster it struggled and struggled,

And attempted to bite and to squirm

But Mr. and Mrs Ramsbottom

And young Albert, they all stood quite firm

The crocodile stopped trying nonsense

And no more did it frolic and frisk.

"Can we jump on the bank now?" asked Mother

And Father said "Well I ain't taking no risk"

The river were in lonely district

And no Dayak or Chinese or Malay

Or Rubber or Forest Inspector

Or District Officer happened that way

That were about nine months ago that it happened,

That they took up their positions so wet,

With their heads just stuck out of t'water,

And as far as I know, they're standing there yet.

The Sarawak Gazette May 1,1939, PP.63